So far.it defies me that he's made it this far!! $(document).click( function(event){ Really helps. He is not ADD ,,he says I am just ask him. This really hurts when she does this. I'm not exactly sure of the name for this but I think this is called deflection? It's really upsetting me. I'm just trying to be heard and acknowledged when I say that something hurts my feelings. A few times he would accept the "correction," but many times he would accuse them of "lying for mom" or "sticking up for mombecause she'shad brainwashed them". Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 11/20/2016 - 09:17. I wish I had realized years ago the difference in how we ACTUALLY viewed money so differently and for one of us.so POORLY. It helps me to read what I have written in past days. The bad far, far outweighed the good in our relationship. For your child.you do this because they cannot do this for themselves. It was MIND-BLOWING. January 20, 2011 There are some questions about men that only a guy can answer. He gets defensive and hostile when I ask him questions even those in a normal conversation. He always comes around and feels sorry for how he acts. He might spin you some excuse like, "I'm never on Facebook anymore" but don't . I might be missing something, but I'm not driving to JFK this time, I am leaving from the local airport. You might be asking.what order? I have been through some health issues in the last year. Submitted by vabeachgal on Thu, 11/17/2016 - 11:12. But his concept of this situation is that he has done NOTHING wrong, because he was pushed into losing his temper. He said so your not going to see her, because your angry at her because you can't take criticism. He sought out Zoloft specifically because his OCD would be minimized and is considered "a beneficial" a side effect. Then when he is in trouble, tell him that the behavior makes you sad or angry. You need a good support system. 11 surprising ways a guy feels when you ignore him - Ideapod LoriP, your comments did help me to possibly understand what he is thinking while our arguments go around and around and around. Yes, he may not be able to tell you anything about what your husband says because of Dr/Patient confidentiality, but I don't see why you can't book a session to talk about HIM and how it's affecting YOU. I no longer believe that is the case. I have been asking to join DH in his session. If you are with me so far..what about your husband going to a psychiatrist on his own to get help with the issues he is having. So when trying to place this thing that you apparently always have to go along with? I am so sorry for your "state of being". Another issue I don't currently suffer from:), Submitted by jenna-ADD on Wed, 12/30/2015 - 16:19. ", I said"if I keep telling you the same thing and yet.you keep acting like you have never heard this before.one would make the assumption that you don't understand by getting the same reaction I get each time I do it. If I try to talk to him it ends badly in a screaming match because I get so frustrated I explode. Our insecurities, our feelings about what we think life should "be like".what marriage should be like.You know part of my big mistake was looking at the bible and thinking "this is how it should be"But, we people, we're all messed up to some degreeSo, I've recently changed my mindGod's plan for a marriage is going to the Goal:)Because he has a plan for me, his love completes me.But, look at me, I'm biting the hand that'sloving me, the hand that feeds and sustainsme. This is a causality issue my wife and I run into when we mis-communicate with each other simply defined.. to say X causes Y is to say that:1. Craft whiskey distilleries have also become quite popular. NPD is a disorder of an extreme in something that is true in all of us. I am not putting in the time and effort for joint counseling because my time is valuable and I now judge that the time is better spent on things I want. As soon as he finds the way to believe that whatever word or action is negative, it becomes absolute fact in his mind that I meant it to be mean, horrible and malicious, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do or say to convince him otherwise. Physically sometimes, like a gut punch. Someone who will never admit that they actually could be an X.Every conversationyou engage them in will always have to be Y would not have occurred if X hadn't occurred first:). which is it??? Is there really not a single action on his part that he can acknowledge may have contributed to this? This has been the hardest part to try and get her to see..that both of us are doing it not just me. I wanted to ask you this: When you find that you repeat over and over so that he will understand what you are saying, is there something that he could say to you so you feel heard? } My H sounds like yours sounds like the other ADHD husbands. But OMG everything you just said just hit the nail on the spot with what I've been dealing with in life with my husband for the last several years. ", "Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was 'Oh no, not again.'" I will try to be ridiculously clear with him- if only he could do that also! You have articulated exactly the way my dh respondsto me when I try to connect with him. You may be best to leave this one alone. Submitted by c ur self on Wed, 05/27/2015 - 18:08. If he is fighting feelings for you, he might also ask your opinion on things or ask you for advice often. Another facet of the problem is that, perhaps because he is such a high-functioning individual, he SINCERELY believes that he is being empathetic, understanding, and compassionate. If you need help communicating your feelings, contact a qualified therapist. Seems I am the only one with enough balls to call him out on his shit. My husband and me separateda short while ago and it hurts a lot. I have found a new couples counselor who says that she works with ADHD. After that long.it was no longer difficult to say things differently and eventually..my thinking in those terms followed suit shortly after that. Perhaps you can say "I always love you and I am always happy with you, I just an not happy with" and insert whatever the behavior is. I've been married for almost 19 years and if I can't get my head on straightit won't make 20. Submitted by jennalemon on Wed, 12/11/2013 - 07:57. 4 things that happen when you ignore a guy (and why it works) Your springtime will hit, and you will see things in a new light. If he rolls his eyes due to frustration at me I just shut down. She was essentially telling me to leave my husband while I was trying to think of things to make our marriage better. Thanks for sharing your experiences, You wrote "living my life around fighting for the right to experience my emotions". Wow. It was so dumb and I talked myself into it because I was in love. urge to correct inaccuracies. How to differentiate between friendship and feelings? }); Or you drive over an hour away to deliver flowers, cards, etc to her work place, multiple times, and thanks are given, even an occasional comment that suggest lovemaking may result, but again, never materializes? It frequently feel as though we speak completely different languages, he sometimes understands so little of what I say, and his recall is so poor or distorted, that I sometimes keep a journal of what's been said, to save from arguing later. But at this point in time. This is truly deeply concerning to me C but again. Submitted by kellyj on Tue, 07/19/2016 - 09:33. It doesn't bother or I don't take exception. In fact, it worsensover time unless they get help. It doesn't even matter, it just IS. Their internal filters that process incoming information distort it- hence, everything is our fault in their eyes because our needs are viewed as personal attacks- regardless of how gently we may express them. It is very frustrating for both of us. He offered it to her but she wanted a free ride, so they split. LOL " I made mention about dealing with engineers in general in the work I do in designing jewelryand I could always tell an engineer or Dentistsince you didn't tell them how you were going to do it..they told you since they already knew how to do it.so I will show you how too? To bridge the gap. Maybe yesmaybe no? And sometimes I think the reading puts more ideas in his head. Wonderful, witty, forthright, always helpful to me and providing a supportive perspective that I desperately need. That he despises himself for it, does not want to say any of these things, or be the person they present. I even asked a psychologist about what I could do to change this perception, and he said, "nothing". It is nothing short of a royal pain to do this, but it started when I could not take one more accusation from my husband that I "never get it right" (the details of the conversation), and the never-ending accusations that I had a "tone" in my voice, or that I said something I never said, or didn'tsay something I did say, or that he never said something he did say, or that he said something he did not say and on and on and on. I mourn the life I have wasted hoping I could help him and end up with some semblance of a normal life with a spouse that could give and not just take. That I am actually responsible for not provoking it. He insists he is right, insists I did say it, and even accuses me of feeling ways I don't feel. First, he insisted that he be the only one to put money into anything going into the apartment, which at first didn't feel right because since the beginning of our relationship I have either been the only one providing for the both of us or going half and half on everything. Since he has moved in with his daughter, who displays all of the symptoms of Asperger's, he has lashed out on me by calling me unfathomable names and accusing me of being closed-minded, hypocritical, mentally insaneetc. Maybe try and beat him to the punch before he ask you. I made it all "work" for everybody else. These break my heart for two reasons: 1) that my kids have to subject to his unfair/projectedwayof thinking and 2)this is the man I married, buthe's not showing up. That I totally get it that it's not possible for anybody to know what anyone else is feeling unless you tell them and because of what he means to me, I wanted to share myself with him. 1. There is no other way to look at it. I have to wear him down. Submitted by frustratedinfla on Mon, 07/21/2014 - 13:25, Submitted by Jeff413 on Mon, 07/21/2014 - 13:23. I said."wellit looks like the snow will be over by Monday.since the high is going to be 43 degreesand the low is going to be 40 degrees", And my wife's reply was."that not what my phone saysit not what the forecast I'm using says", And I asked "Which forecast are you using? In the essence of what this is saying is."I'm responding to what you said earlier now in this moment" and expecting me just to listen. I told him I didn't care one way or the other whether he buysthis item- it's for him. And I don't trust anyone who appears evasive, not forth coming, not emotionally honest and who goes around my back and does things like make decisions for me without asking me first. H didn't "learn" from those roommate corrections. Without that ability.the stories just fell apart in my head and I was left with no where to go except back to me. This is a dream I haveI put my hands on her cheeks and hold her up close, we close our eyes andI just pray for her until her countenance turns completely calmThen we open our eye's and she has this calm attentive expression of pure peace.Thenshe looks around at her surroundingsthen slowly turns back to me like she has forgotten everythingAnd she say's with a clear calm tone;why is thisplace in such a mess! But you can and WILL rise from it and find a life that is beautiful for you. It'd be cool to get some advice from another person in the same scenario. It is our job as parents to help them develop a strong conscience and to be honest with them. What can we do to handle things better in the future"This is our relationship exactly. It's just a matter of degree and is more extreme than what would be considered normal. By accepting a reality where all things are basically "our fault", regardless of whether someone DID something hurtful to us, does this also apply to being severely abused from childhood to adulthood, where little if any tools were taught to show the abused one how to gauge life? We have seeked counseling and have tried to make things work. I just think Donald Trump is worse and more blatant about it. Submitted by Geese on Tue, 03/31/2015 - 16:22, Submitted by AlmaVera on Tue, 03/31/2015 - 16:21. Getting over it and accepting completely disrespectful behavior is quite frankly unacceptable after a certain point? Or, when I explained to him that he was thinking about an issue in an unhealthy way, he said "You can talk, look at your diet! Oh Godthe damage I've done. I do not want him back if that means no ADD treatment and me admitting being the one to blame for his anger outbursts. I wouldn't expect you to do so, either.". What I felt like when my wife dismissed me was feeling dismissed. All hell breaks loose when the two of them get into a conversationthey argue for hours, because they are both always right! At this point, I can't even say I won't do something without a fight. I sincerely hope you don't continue this relationship. Someone with whom I don't have to fight tooth and claw, day after day, just for the right to be ME. That is almost more painful to realize than the reality of the relationship I want with himbut seemingly can never have. Top Signs He Is Afraid Of Loving You But Has Feelings Anyways OIY! I said I just don't feel I benefited from the session and I feel worse. I asked a psychologistwho treated my husband (until my husband realized he was not going to be successful in getting him to agree that I was the problem), and he said that the reason they enjoyhurting their spouses/ children is because atthe time, they believe theydeserveto be hurt. But I really dislike him and his protective mask. A person can't hide his true self that long. My daughter will always ask me the same thing. I will lose all respect and love if I am constantly beat down by thenegative actions. So, I understand what you are all going through. I was home with babies, and his vacation is "our vacation". How is it that in such a short span since our demise he is married and has a child? Seems no one could measure up to him in my mind. That's the lesson I have learned at least:), Thanks again jlhrvayou have really confirmed this for me and it really helps narrow things down..I appreciate it and your encouragement as well:), Submitted by NewLifeNewHope on Fri, 06/17/2016 - 04:37. I don't know their story or if their dog just died or husband just left them. He was talking to another woman. But of course, ran right out of the room after. That's just too much responsibility for another person to fill..ADHD or not. And he would thereafter treat me like I was mean. He finally admitted after many years he did purposely try to manipulate situations, because he didn't want to deal with conflict or his anxiety. Sounds like you have to leave for your health.. i am astounded - my husband ALSO argues about my feelings, VBG..It's not just you, we all get comfortableor I do:), Trying a new couples counselor-Sorrt did not mean this as reply. I think you should continue to be "sensitive" to him, and give him the reassurance he needs. It's a case where the information is just that, information and unchangeable - the same for everyone. That's my problem in knowing what to do? She has probably rationalized your behavior over the years. I am curious if others feel this way too? -Asked if I was going to kick HIM out of bed of one of us is sick? I'm hoping to take what I've learned from your post and try to understand when my ADD spouse is confronted with too much. My interpretations of his behavior are wrong. Have a Nice Day..Subject to Iterpretation? Trying to decipher a man's feelings can drive even the most sane woman crazy. "Even tho I think he's being irrational, I try to understand what he's feeling is real to him. I thought about making a new post here, but since this post is already addressing this issue.I decided to include it here to share what recently happened when I was finally able to get my wife to see something that I have been really frustrated with for a long time. } else { LOL ) "Well that's not right!!! I think the crying at every session was a clue.I opened up a bit about what was going on at home (I usually don't. I am almost daily (exception is when we do not converse) accused of having feelings, thoughts, desires that I do not, and when I "dare" to speak up and voice my own truth, I am told that I am a liar. Submitted by jenna-ADD on Fri, 03/13/2015 - 14:27, then you're at least in good company : ), Submitted by AlaskanKate867 on Wed, 03/18/2015 - 20:54. I DIDN'T HAVE TO ARGUE ABOUT A THING. When I pick up your son for school, I won't spend 20 minutes walking through the school to find him". From just what you've said..my thoughts about narcissism at this time is different than before. I went to acounselor and hesaid that I am 100% NOTI have lots of energy , and am (was) a very sociable person. It really helps to hear from the other perspective. I would be honest with him. For me ..all I am focused on is the future and it will be different and good. He couldn't tell what things were meaningful to me in my life (his words to me) -- and I'm talking about serious things like health problems. I would wonder what that person is really trying to say because it really doesn't make any sense? It's always been hard and weird, but for several years I accepted that it was my immaturity and weakness that was the cause of his unhappiness, his failures, etc. I need support, emotionally and physically. Mine only started after I had enough and stepped out of the marriage, emotionally speaking. I do know when this comes out of her thoughit comes out any time I mention something on her part that she might take as.."doing something wrong.". I realize now (going along with what you are saying).that she has trouble expressing her emotions other than in kind of ALL or NOTHING way. Well, My hand cramped up and I either gotbored with the story that Iincluding in there (characters created and all!) If it can't apply to everyone across the board and be agreed on by everyone (by removing the outlyers in this case and looking just at the mean) then the only means you have to argue or defend is also not going to be true or valid. I just wanted to add this into what I said about conclusions since it was so relevant to everything I said. With my husband, he insists that his is not inaccurate. Also from personal experience, I know that you simply cannot convince someone that they need help if they don't already want it on some level. By definition, I am never allowed to voice any legitimate grievances or concerns, as he has assigned this ulterior motive to everything I say, thereby dismissing my words instantly. And. I also agree with the other poster (sorry, can't see the names on this screen) who said you should try to seek relationships with emotionally healthy people. I thought I couldn't feel worse about myself but I was wrong. But she did notice there was more going on with me. He's my favorite Narcissist at the current time and he goes so overboard here in my thinking about this.I'm going to actually enjoy listening to him and see how often her actually says anything valid. First that isuntil they have a chance to think this over and actually come to a conclusion? I havewarned him that he'll be expected to talk about it and pat my ex on the back when they finally do meet. What are the hiding from me? I didn't protect the integrity of my own thoughts. I want constructive objective critique period. That part she is fully aware and she has told me (now) more recently..that she is struggling with this herself. Seeminglyvalidating she was right and was not wrong in what she saw?". But that is what soul growth is about. The best thingyou can do right now is to take care of YOU. Part of her knows it's wrongand part of her knows she right. I had no idea that it would only get worse once we were married andthere wasn't anyone to "back me up". I know he has tongue slips a lot. A good therapist (like mine) will control the situation. Submitted by Ifeelstupid on Sun, 01/22/2017 - 18:35. You're driving me away. Copyright 2007 - 2023 GoodTherapy, LLC. She will come home from work and I and I can see it on her face. A false premise then requires a false argument to a debate and that's all denial is.arguing or defending a false premise or believe that is not universally true for everyone. For example, he might go on a date with you and act enthusiastic and open. Submitted by laurie_33 on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 22:20, You are very fortunate to find out about the ADHD at an earlierstage of your marriage--maybe it doesn't seem that way, but for some of us it's after 30 years of marriage. He won't accept your friend request. I wasn't expecting a fairytale ending, but I wasn't expecting to go over a cliff either. I will just accept that many times, I feel upset. He put a note on the apartment door this morning.saying he hopes we have a future and that the last 43 yrs meant something. Play it cool. It really is exactly what it looks like to me? So after a few minutes (after she countermanded and refused what she was seeing? Sorry to be a downer. She probably doesn't see you as a husband/leader anymore. And thinking why just saying what is on my mind might be good for someone to hear? I know he's in there somewhere! Been there, done that, too. i love my family thee most and i kow they love me will always be here but they are just over it , i want to stand up and walk away and say screw you dude i deserve better . This is already becoming a vicious cycle that I do not want to continue. Actually.I have no idea what my wife wants half the time because she won't tell me ahead of time. So we continue to try to communicate our very real and reasonable needs and wants to partners who either can't or won't hear us. I think that pretty much sums this up as I have observed. Same place !! Hiding financial transactions and debt - recurring debt issues. Submitted by jlhrva on Mon, 01/04/2016 - 21:03, Seems like you guys had a genuine, productive discussion! It's so stupid that we're fighting about what he said I said but I actually didn't say in our conversation. I also have a list of I statements that I wrote up a few months ago. Submitted by jenna-ADD on Mon, 10/11/2021 - 19:04. She couldn't see it then.and she still can't see it now in the difference. Absolutely. What you said here pointed this out to me (again.I'm only pointing to the symptom of this trust issue I'm talking about). KNOW THAT THERE IS NO ONE SIGN OR CLUSTER OF SIGNS TO DETECT LIES There are no clear signs a man is telling lies (or even a woman). I don't want to burden people - everybody goes through stuff. That's the disrespect right there. AMAZING. It's my perception as it isbut it's neither wrong or right. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I can't get through to him and feel like "he doesn't get it" well, I'mtired of crying, tired of his lying and I finally realize he's either never going to get it OR he get's it and just doesn't care because he has to save himself from looking bad. Who knows if I need that thing right now or not better than meand then I go and I can't find it? I sat tight knowing I meant no harm and stayed 100% calm, wouldn't feed his anger with more anger. I love him and I am here for better or worse, even though we aren't married. He makes a lot of assumptions and can't even see that he is assuming. I've said on more than one occasion that in order to have a relationship with someone, one has to be able to relate! I would go through spells of being the happiest person on earth to being just a downright depressed person who hated themselves. But as you just discovered..IT IS NOT EASY!!! "and he tells Jack "no.I like cats tooI just prefer dogs over cats personally" And Jack says"Why don't you like Cats?" I was expected to change myself on some fundamental levels. But mostly.I just did this silently as I first started out doing just recalling every story I could think of from my past and retelling it in a different way but adhering to the one simple rule..blaming is forbidden. I just fell like sometimes if I try to research it too much he feels I'm telling him what to do but I'm trying to educate myself too! This is highly NOT recommended by the attorney or our psychologist as it does not detach the emotional ties, the lack of support for the house and I know it will cause MAJOR stress on our 2 kids because they already know they cannot depend on him to follow up or remember thingsthey depend on me for that. I did feel quite a lot of the time that his overwhelming negativity (which wasn't present until after the hyperfocus was over) was pulling me under with him. Now imagine someone doing that to you as an adult. Do you think it's possible that this can become a chronic state -- where it becomes the norm to be that way, and the calm never happens? LOL, So before I conclude here and show the video scene I watched.I will finish saying what happened with my wife and I? As if you go to a regular doctor and don't tell him that you have bad headaches. Otherwise, I will continue to be avictim of my own fears andmy presentsituation. Most Helpful Opinions. The only thing that phased my husband was when I told him his financial betrayals and Ashley Madison changed me as a person and that the old me won't be coming back. I feel affirmed by the fact that I'm not alone in this stuggle, unfortunately for all of you, with communication with my DH spouse. I am looking forward to living a grown up life with out someone who manipulates me and uses me and who is out for himself. I did ask my husband to live for right now at his parents house. I needed to include that to apply what you said about yourself being seemingly more extroverted like me in the same way? He can't blame you if you're there to defend yourself, so he won't let you be there. "I feel X when she does Y." ), I am praying for a better outcome than you have experienced with counseling. Except, nowadays, he understands he has done something wrong and will only ask me if I'm happy when something else/somebody else is bothering me. Submitted by lonelyspouse on Mon, 12/14/2015 - 16:58. I found out about all these texts by going on my online phone bill usage. fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); Clearly it is interfering with your job, and I know how difficult it is to work and deal with these issues that we seem powerless to change. That he's only going there for himself and ignoring the fact that I'm suffering too. Submitted by kellyj on Fri, 05/29/2015 - 15:38. --Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Submitted by jayjay on Fri, 05/14/2021 - 14:27, Submitted by Throwaway22894 on Thu, 09/09/2021 - 11:27. If he hasn't already, further contact might make that happen. Having different doctors and therapist all split up and trying to get a straight answer from the horse that won't drink is a failure in the approach in that it is not an integrated approach from the very start. IS that really not him? I just highlighted and added to it.and so so onthis has been going on for DAYS!! i love my partner. But I don't just get mad and lose my temper. I have often relied on RECORDINGS to prove my innocence!1. He has gone back to blame apportioning, wanting to be right, thinking he or I Have said various things which is completely at odds with my perceptions. If I were to die young, H would likely never admit to himself that he caused the stress. I wondered sometimes if he is mentally ill. delusional.. Or just mean.. and uncaring.. NOW i have to read more about ADHD.. As the comments here.. How is that a kind or loving thing to say to your partner? The last thing you want to do is to become co-dependent. Submitted by palmtree on Sun, 08/30/2015 - 01:13. thanks OWW, yes you are right, and have helped me a lot, thankyou. I hear you. But don't let him convince you or second guess yourself into thinking you are. And it can be really bad when he misuses (substitutes) the wrong name for whatever he is talking about. I can't stand his face, how he looks so sad all the time. I'm nothing like them . Submitted by Ifeelstupid on Sat, 10/01/2016 - 13:17. I am new to this forum and honestly in a way I feel relieved to read about similar struggles because then I know: I am not crazy! Unfortunately, that was almost 6 years ago, and he has "glanced" at a few pages- never read it. I needed a giggle. not a tiny piece. "Well, I had hoped you'd be able to help him become better organized, but I can see you're no better.". :). } else { My advice at this point is to back away. Maybe you could say to him, that you know he is struggling trying to make a point but you need for him to try so that you can better reply to him. In another tab I'm reading an article entitled "The Five Steps to Mindfully Releasing Anger" so it's being addressed. I think he doesn't like wasting time and I love that about him. My own experience is that either your ADHD spouse can take meds that help him or they don't as well as other possible ways to help. My marriage had these problems but we got over them. If I say "I don't feel that way", sometimes he'll say "Yes you do" and keep repeating it over and over several times. I told him that I never said ANY of the things that he suggested. My past was minimized and I was expected to get over it. Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Sun, 08/30/2015 - 00:10. I read your post and stared at it for awhile. Between my husband and me now, there is very little keeping up of appearances anymore, and we don't converse much at all, so there's no call for this nonsense.
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